Thursday, 15 October 2009
I listen to music a lot. Compared to a lot of my friends it's an excessive amount, not all of them, but a lot. Which is of coarse baffling to me, I can't understand how you could survive life without constantly listening to music. But that's also because I use my headphones to drown out everyone else's conversations that I really do not want to be subjected to...
Anyway, so I was in the Cathedral doing work today and listening to music and I was listening to Paper Route and the song "Last Time" came on. And it seemed very pertinent to how I feel about a lot things right now. I get that a lot, as I'm sure everyone does, I'll listen to a song and think the lyricist wrote it for my life.. or I'll be listening to a song and one line of the lyrics will hit me. This time it was "[b]I tried to tell you on the telephone, all I needed was a stepping stone.[/b]"
If you would go and read the song lyrics you would get the completely wrong vibe for what I was feeling. It's all about love and that's just not what I was thinking about. So there's that, there are always parts of songs that have so much meaning to me but when I go read all the lyrics I'm like "Wow, that is really not what the song is about." For instance, the first few days/weeks after Rachel's death I was driving and listening to the newest TV On the Radio CD and the song "Family Tree" came on (which is by the way a beautiful song). And the chorus that I heard was "And in the shadow of the gallows of your family tree, there's a hundred hearts [i][b]or three[/i][/b] pumping blood to the roots of evil to keep it young." So here I am fresh off of these series of terrible events in my summer, and I'm just struck by those lyrics. I'm like damn, that is so perfect, three souls, Grandma Helen, Aunt Lynda, and Rachel.. what a beautiful and perfect song. So then I go home look up the lyrics and refresh myself with what gallows means, and I'm like ohh... just kidding this is kind of morbid, and the song doesn't actually say "or three" it says "soar free." So it didn't really work out, but before I found all that out it was a really good moment.
Okay, that was a huge tangent to what I wanted to write about. I tried to tell you on the telephone, all I needed was a stepping stone. This is my life in lyrical form, right now. Because this is where I'm stuck. All I'm looking for is a freaking stepping stone, and I am just not getting one. It's too rainy in Pittsburgh and all the stones are quickly covered in cold rainwater. It's not the best feeling out there. It really does not do good things for my feelings towards people. I think we, as a society..or whatever, in general are too focused on our own problems to consider maybe helping out each other. I mean, I get it, I do it. I listen to people's problems and sometimes I want to be be like, listen, I really do not have time to listen to your problem because I have problems of my own. I don't though, and I find myself going places with people because they ask or making the effort to understand where the other person is coming from.
And I say to you, karma, where are you?? All I'm asking for is for someone to stop the whirlwind of their lives and sit and talk to me. I don't even want the same person to always be there every second of my life. A couple times a week. I don't know maybe people think it's a lost cause and they don't want to waste their time anyway. I mean I have no idea if this is what people think but this is where my mind goes to when I feel like I become a hassle on people. Or when I say to people, "Well you should practice talking with me!" And I don't get "Yeah! How about this day and time does that work? I'd really like to help you out Mia"
Now I'm probably being unfair. But really, it frustrates me. To. No. End. I can talk to my wall all I want, that's gonna do all of jack shit when I'm out in the real world conversing with real live human beings. And everyone's just always so busy, too busy to stand still for a second let alone stay in one place and talk to me. This is my desperation. You see your friends all over the internet with their Twitters and their Facebooks and you look at all their shit and just think, my God could you be any more desperate. And I guess that's kinda what I'm doing here.
When I thought about writing this I intended it to be more along the lines of how the world is and not how specifically, my world, is. But I'm sick of living in this goddamn cave. And I'm trying? I'm trying to try? Oh, here's another lyric this one from the Punchline, it sorta works here, but it's what just popped in my mind, "Maybe Fate can only take you so far." And I can only take myself so far. Ugh, see now that I write that I want to say that that's not true and I could make a better effort when it's just the day and I have those random talking situations. But also, that's my day, and I'm normally trying to get information across to people, it's different then when I want to sit down and practice with someone.
Can I drive this point home enough. This isn't really something to be like HEY WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING?! (So I say.. right?) Because I mean, I know that nothing will change. I mean for one I doubt anyone will read this to begin with. And two that's just my experience with people. You can tell them a million times once over and they're still going to go on living in their little world. But how we forget, this world has 6 billion people in it, and the last thing anyone wants is to be lonely.
On and on and on we go
Just like a carousel that's lost control
And we don't know why, we don't know why
We go and go and go in circles
Paper Route - "Carousel"
edit: I totally forget how to bold on HTML, whatever.
Sunday, 28 June 2009
A lot has happened since I last wrote in here. I was sorta neglecting this and just letting myself live through things and keep pushing towards my ultimate goal. But I've gone through two major events that I just really need to hash out on here. I'm not really sure how this is going to end up, when I'm driving and just thinking in my head it all sounds right, but when I end up writing things down it never sounds as good as it did in my head.
Three weeks ago my family went through the death of my Aunt Lynda. It was a huge family event. We all were there the night she was emitted in the hospital and only left in the early hours of the morning to come back the next day for another long day of waiting. Not just waiting, but another day of just being there for each other. We all crowded around her bed as we took her off life support and just waited. I saw it as really beautiful. I always end up watching people a lot. And I watched her kids stand so strongly at her side just being there for her and letting her know that it was going to be okay. The second day we were at the hospital we were all there until about 4 AM. At one point we started to trickle into the waiting room and when I made my way in there we were all just sleeping in any place we could find. There was just something about that picture that really got to me. We were all there, and we weren't going anywhere, and none of us really wanted to. We were perfectly fine just being there, for my aunt and for each other.
When she died it was heartbreaking and yet so incredibly beautiful. I thought it was amazing when Ryan whispered into her ear and she opened her eyes for those few last moments with all of us. And then when she was gone my family went into super mode. We made sure Rachel was prepared for her graduation and tried to make it so that all of us could be there for her. Michelle got out her notepad and started writing down everything we would need for Aunt Lynda's memorial service. Kenny came up with a beautiful idea to have it at the house with a horse parade, everything my Aunt Lynda loved in life. The few days leading up to the service we were always over at their house working on the yard, planning things, planting flowers, cleaning out everything. And it was our entire family. My Aunt Carol and her husband came up from North Carolina along with my cousin Pat and his wife and kid, and everyday we were doing something over at their house.
As unfair as her death was, I was able to accept it. I could rationalize that if she had to have cancer, well then at least we were all together for her final days and we really pulled together as a family. We were all able to be there for each other, and we were all ready to be a better and bigger family to Ryan and Rachel. But god.. then Rachel was ripped from us and three weeks later our entire world came crashing down on all of us again. This is one that I can't accept yet. That night I went to sleep with such a pounding headache and just ended up tossing and turning for hours before I fell asleep but then woke up so early. And I just layed in bed crying and I could feel the loss in my stomach. I would get this wave of ... i don't even know.. something, in the pitt of my stomach.
I can't even really put into words yet everything that I'm feeling. It's impossible to deal with, me Nina Leah Ryan and Rachel grew up together. We drifted a little in the teenage years, which is natural, and we were just starting to get back to always hanging out with each other again and being the family that we once were, instead of just the Christmas and Fourth of July family. I don't regret or feel sad that we were that family for awhile, I'm just mad that we were robbed of what we could have become again. We all remarked on how good it felt that we were all there for each for Aunt Lynda's service. That's the difference between family and friends, with family you can be apart for a few years but then come back and be right where you were. Maybe not in the exact same place, but you mold back into each other so easily because you have such a history with each other.
We were looking at old pictures last night at dinner. Ryan was over and I don't even know where all the pictures came from but we found pictures from my Grandma's dad, and then we found pictures from us when we were younger and the years when we all practically lived at my Grandma's house. It made me realize what complex histories we all have. These situations make you really realize all of that. My mom and Aunt Lynda had kids at pretty much the same time, so when we were younger we were always with each other. I have countless memories of us at our house, or my Aunt Lynda's house and millions of us at our Grandma's house. Putting on plays in her basement, carving TY in the tree in her backyard, and then getting yelled at by Grandma for that, the seemingly never ending supply of popsicles, playing with all of her flower shop supplies downstairs, and just the countless nights that we all slept over there. We have such an intense and intertwined history together and I really realized it last night.
But that's not the only history we have. Outside of the "Grandma" stories we have our other side of the families. I have the Pivirotto's and Ryan and Rachel have the Parkers. The vines just weave in and out of so many people and there are so many connections that I didn't realize. Realizing all of this just made me so sad that Rachel's story has stopped. She won't be able to grow up with all of us as we take new pictures to add to all of the boxes and as we grow new connections. I'm still in the pissed off at the world stage. It's hard to accept that this is her story. Her story is a beautiful one, she was such an amazing girl. At Aunt Lynda's memorial service after the priest did his thing me and Leah walked over to her and she was done hugging people and we just watched each other walk towards each other and we just all had that look of recognition of love on our faces and she said to us "I love you guys so much." And it wasn't one of those "I love you"'s that are obligatory, it was real. That moment will be in my mind forever. We had all been through all that history and heartbreak and yet here we were on a beautiful day and we knew that if nothing else, we would always have each other.
And now my family is back up here again, and we all pulling in that much closer because we need each other that much more right now. It's really hard to deal with it, but it's a little easier when we are all together.
Do you remember when we were just kids
And cardboard boxes took us miles from what we would miss
Schoolyard conversations taken to heart
And laughter took the place of everything we knew we were not
-Inevitable by Anberlin
Sunday, 17 May 2009
When I was a senior in high school I wrote a little opinion column in our newspaper. I have no idea how it started, and it wasn't anything to call up the papers for, I mean I was in high school, but it was still like a "I hate all you mother fuckers and here I will tell you why." Hahaha not really, that just kinda spilled out of my brain, I'll keep it for comedial (new word) purposes.
Anytime I think of high school now, I can't help but think how much I hated it and what a complete joke it was. I only regularly talk to a handful of people from my high school still, and when I hang out with some of them they'll bring up other people from high school and I'm always saying "I don't know, I don't care I don't talk to anyone from Central." This is sounding pretty hateful, it's more apathetic though.
I went to a catholic private high school. I was just gonna say, so everyone was so obsessed with material things, and their new designer purses, but then I thought, let's get serious, every high school has those people. But once I hit junior/senior year I started to really get sick of it. And now my sister is graduating from Central and she feels the same way (gives me some pride).
Everyone always goes on and one about that school, and how prepared you'll be for college because of it. When I hear that I always think, no I am so prepared for college because I innately have a good work ethic. I've never been able to be apathetic with school work and just get by, it's just who I am. No school did that for. I was competitive in middle school too, it didn't just materialize because I went to this great (synonym for joke) high school.
We had this event at my dad's store a few weeks ago. And my grandma was there talking to some woman who's entire life went to Central. My family always likes to brag that I want to go to Med School and be a doctor, and to a point so do I, but not to random people. But my grandma told her that, and the woman goes "Oh, you'll be glad you went to Central, it'll really open doors for Med School. Central will really be good for Med School." So I asked, "Why?" She just kinda looked at me. But I think I stuttered, so then I asked again, "Why?" I still got this semi blank look, then my grandma was like, "She's asking why going to Central will be so great for Med School." She just went on about how it'll really prepare me for it. Did Central like brainwash people into only being able to say that line?! People spit that line out to me so goddamn often. And I just want to scream, NO. It didn't. I was so close to saying something to her. I was a little tipsy off the wine, and so sick of people's praises to that stupid school. But I kept my mouth shut and was proud of myself, but also a little disappointed at the same time. I kinda want to tell people, no I'm so prepared because I know how to work, and I want to work, Central had nothing to do with it, then flip the hair and walk away dramatically. (just kidding on the last part)
Being home brings up all those old feelings again. Everyone bragging about their great child who got this awesome award. Did you achieve world peace or feed all the starving people in Africa? No? Okay, then I don't care.
Friday, 03 April 2009
I just cheated. About 10 minutes ago. Well a half hour to ten minutes ago. I'm having very conflicting feelings about it, in one sense, I'm happy because it got me to where I want to be, but I feel like a fake, and a liar, and those are two things I try really hard not to be.
Alright, before you start thinking of all these crazy scenarios in your head, I'm going to explain. I had my friend pretend to be me on the phone. Anyone from HCRI would probably smack me if they read this. That's kinda how I gauge things, I think how Candi would look at me condescendingly if I told her I talked to my roommate on AIM while we were in the same apartment, and now I think how all my other friends from there would react if I told them. I can do better. This is why I get upset, I can do better. I was doing so much better, I was having 20 minute fluent conversations on the phone night after night before. I remember one night I had like three twenty minute conversations in a row, I remember I was exhausted by the third one and was slipping up a bit but what I would give to be there now.
And I'm not a cheater. I've only cheated once in my entire life, and I remember it perfectly. It was 7th grade, I was in World Cultures, or whatever form of History you took in 7th grade, and we were taking a test of all the countries of South Africa or something. I don't remember exacts, but I know we had to list all the countries in one half of a country be it North or South or East or West, something. I'm pretty sure it was Africa. Regardless, I wasn't ready. I knew maybe a couple of them, but I think we had a list and we had to pick out which were which, I don't know that specific either. Okay, clearly I don't remember it perfectly. So I'm sitting in the front row (the seats were assigned) and then I see she has a stack of books on the table in front of me, and they have either all the countries that I need on them, or the other group that I don't need. Check yes for awesome, the placement of those books got me a one hundo on that quiz.
It wasn't even real cheating, I was being smart about it.. and I was lucky... it's not like I made a cheat sheet and hid it in my sleeve or something. It was pure luck of the draw and a bit of smarts on my part to pull that off. I'm that person who will make sure my answers aren't showing if we're taking a test. Gah, I rememebr in 9th grade math I sat next to a notorious cheater, and I never ratted him out, but I did not let my answers be visible. Bitch, I work hard for my grades just because you have no work ethic isn't my problem.
I even had the option of usin old Ochem tests to study with for the last test. I could have easily gone to the library and made copies of those and used them as another guide to study, it wasn't even like it was the test it was just another aid. I almost did it, but I knew that I wasn't going to really, I wanted to prove that I could go from getting a 55% on the first test to a much higher grade just by pure will. And I did, on the next test I got an 88%, without any aid. It's just who I am, I love the feeling of accomplishment after working hard for something.
But that's schoolwork. Schoolwork I can handle, I know that regardless I can get it done, bust it out, and be awesome. And I could have been awesome for this phonecall, with a little more time to prepare. I'm just not ready for a semi important phone call. It wasn't even that important, she just explained stuff about the program and asked me my birth date and social security number. But I want to do this volunteering program, I fucked up the one I was going to do last summer because of my speech, I'm not letting that happen again. I guess this is how cheaters feel, they can't let something get out of there hands, be it impending placement into some program or passing a class. It's not even like she would have turned me down I don't think, I mean I'm volunteering. But I don't know.. it's hard to explain because I know it sounds lame.
But last summer I was doing something like this in a Greensburg hospital. I was semi fresh out of HCRI, the slipping had begun but it wasn't anything too terrible yet. And it was a face to face interview, and what killed me was that I wasn't even stuttering that bad, I was on target for a good majority of the time, but I would slip up and then loose the target. But I've been way worse. And I even explained to her, like I'm working on my speech it's not like I'm letting it go, I'm trying here, lady. And she told me that maybe I would feel more confortable volunteering in a lab, and I was actually happy wiht that cause that's what I wanted to anyway, but still, if I wanna work with patients, let me work with a patient, I was just as competent if not more than half of the other people I saw in that interview. I have a head on my shoulder and understand a lot more about the world than I let on, just because my stupid mouth is a bitch sometimes, doesn't mean I can't rise to the challenge.
So things were going fine with that, then I don't remember why but I had to call for something, and I was sitting in my car before going into work trying to leave them a message and just .. not capable of doing it (if I could do that now, i'd bullseye that son), and I saw Nina had just drove in and I got out of my cars on the verge of tears and I was tried to explain to her what was wrong but then I just errupted in tears. So then later, I asked Leah to call for me and leave a message, and in the middle of it, she forgot what to say and started laughing.. and I'm standing right next to her saying like STOP!! What are you doing?!?! And I didn't want her to just hang up cause she already said my name and phone number, and I was like omgggg WHAT are you doing/.?!?!?!? You could clearly hear both her and my voice in the message. So then I was just embarrassed, and thought to myself, well I had that coming to me. They never tried to contact me, my mom and grandma told me to call them and explain, but I was like no thank you that's enough humiliation for me. And I felt bad because my grandma found me the oppurtunity, but listen, you aren't there in the room when people are acting like you are less competent because you stutter.
Next story, so I'm doing an interview for Columbia University. It's at IUP, which I found .. I don't know the word Im looking for, but they are complete opposite schools. Read into that for what you will. But I'm all dressed to impress, if there's one thing I can definitely do, it's dress to impress when I need to, I can look stylish and whatever else when necessary. But I go in there, this is way before I even knew HCRI existed, and we start.. and I'm stuttering, but I'm being confident about it (something I don't really do anymore ..) but she stops and goes "I'm going to bring up the elephant in the room.." and then said something about my speech. But so I was like, I know I stutter, I lived with it my whole life, but it doesn't bring me down (hm reading that I need to get back into that mind set) and I went off on something like I have three months to work on it (?idk how I was planning on doing that haha) I'm fully confident I will be better. But regardless of if it was bullshit or not, I don't know how I was figuring I was gonna do that, but apparently I was all about it, but she was like, well I just know that I had to give a lot of speeches at Columbia and they were hard for me blah blah blah. So I told her, I gave a speech almost every month if not more often in my english class this year, I can do speeches, they may be painful and long and just death, but I do them. I was really giving a case for myself, I remember leaving that interview being all proud and I called my mom and told her all that and she was proud too. But that vibe that I was getting from her was just, "you're not good enough for Columbia." But I knew then and know now that I am a million times better than unfit girl working at IUP was (I am aware that was really offensive).
The Yale interview I went to the guy was so nice, it wasn't any better, in fact I probably showed less of my strong side to him, but he was nice about it. That girl was just such a bitch, regardless I didn't get into either of those schools, obviously, but I still take pride in knowing that I got to the interview stages, which is why it aggravates the crap out of me when I get shot down after the interview. I am better than that. I am better than the people who are working for you.
And now I'm going to show you. I am going to get there and I am going to be awesome. There is no more of this sad Mia because I stutter, I am finally going to take your advice, and this is going to be the last day I cry over stuttering.
Friday, 27 March 2009
I have an obsession with language, speaking, communicating .. anything along those lines. And ever since I came back from Roanoke, I've found myself paying attention a lot more to what people are actually saying. In the days following my return from the therapy program, I remember thinking how.. now that I have the ability to say anything I want, when do you abuse that, when do you keep your mouth shut, when are the words that you are saying just word vomit projecting out of your mouth? The whole observing people wasn't a direct correlation from that thought, that came more from my mom telling me to listen how people speak, because it was during a time when I was slipping and I became very self conscious on my "target talk." It either sounded drawn out and dumb, or sharp and way too precise. So my mom told me to listen to people, listen how they sound their words. Well I listened to what everyone was saying, I listened to how you say your words, your little idiosyncrasies that make your speech unique to you, and I've listened to the words spilling out of your mouth, and there were times when I tuned you out.
In this age we have this "wonderful gift" of technology. I quote that because while technology has sprung us forward in many different ways, it has been pulling us back in the form of communication... way back. I listen to what people actually say with their mouth and voice compared to what they "say" through technology, and I find the reoccurring theme that no one has any balls anymore. People will not say anything of the least bit importance unless its through a text message or a computer screen. Okay, not everyone, but a good fucking majority of the people I know, and if you are not like that, then by god I respect the hell out of you. The worst part is, by having these types of conversations through the veil of technology you miss actually gauging the reactions of the person your talking to. I don't know about you, but I always misread text messages and the like reading more into then I should. Well, epiphany, I wouldn't have that problem if I could hear the tone of your voice and see the contours of your face.
People are afraid to talk on the phone, talk in class, give a speech, but they have no fear when sitting around with friends spitting off about nothing. What the hell is the difference. It angers me. Here you are perfectly capable of saying anything your little heart desires and saying a speech scares you? Talking on the phone brings chills down your spine? What the hell. I'm saying this here and now, I've been saying it in my head for awhile now, but I'm writing it down as proof: Once I have my stuttering under control, I will NEVER resort to saying something of importance through anything but my mouth. Never. Someone needs to call the landlord? Give me the phone. Do we need to have some type of important conversation? Call me on the phone or come see me personally so I can speak the words and you can hear what I'm saying in the tones of my voice.
It baffles me that people are afraid. I have friends who are afraid of speeches, and I want to sympathize with you because I am your friend, but I can't. What is so terrifying about standing in front of someone and saying something? I LOVE when I do that. Every time I beat a fluent milestone I want to keep going. I want to read in front of you forever, I want to show you my intelligence through some speech I've prepared. I want to sit among ten people and answer the questions you are firing at me about my life all the time. I want to show you who I am, and I want to do so through the words that I want to say.
So many of the words that come out of people's mouths are complaints. Such a large majority. I used to do it all the time when I had no control, I always say "I'm tired." when half the time I wasn't! Why did I say it? Because it was just something to say, something to fill the void. Well jesus christ I do not care if you are tired, everyone is tired, what a monotonous thing to say. Can't you find anything else to stimulate my mind? Why are you wasting your breath and energy on miniscule musings?
And if it's not a complaint it's a lie. I lie all the time instead of stuttering. Once, I told a kid I was from Norwin. It was just easier to say than Greensburg. Then I was so annoyed with myself. And you may be reading this and thinking, "What the hell Mia, you have absolutely no room to talk. You talk to your roommate on AIM when you are in the same apartment. You wait till you can text someone something to say something to them. You are fucking terrified of that phone and refuse to you it. You will keep your head down in class, when asked something."
But heres the difference, I know I do it, and I'm doing all that I can to change it.
Speech is the twin of my vision....it is unequal to measure itself.
It provokes me forever,
It says sarcastically, Walt, you understand enough...why don't you let it out then?
-Songs of Myself by Walt Whitman
- Name: MiA
- Location: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, United States
- Birthday: 3/22/1989
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 8/30/2004
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